these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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