Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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