I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
