The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You pole danced in your parka.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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