Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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