There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
