I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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