The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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