the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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