I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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