When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
