my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
