I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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