WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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