Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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