What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
