Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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