:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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