Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
