You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
