If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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