I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
