Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
