Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
