The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
