can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
