Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
