If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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