no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
