The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
