we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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