The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
