oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
