she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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