Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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