My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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