so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
