Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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