There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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