i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
