Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
