How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
