I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
