Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
