I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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