Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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