went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
