I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
