I got chris browned last night
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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