So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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