this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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