I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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