with your own penis?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
