Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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