Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
